


crescendo of my life

by rcogmz



Series: the art of eunoia [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blood, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Coming Out, Cutting, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Rape/Non-con, Pedophilia, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Rape Recovery, Razors, Separate Childhoods, Sexual Abuse, Slurs, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Trauma, Underage Rape/Non-con, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:27:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27381181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rcogmz/pseuds/rcogmz
Summary: TW: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THE TAGS LISTED ABOVE!! I WILL ADD A SUMMARY AFTER EVERY CHAPTER!!----He looked back up, and smiled sadly at his reflection. He broke down and began to sob uncontrollably. “Why me?”
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Oikawa Tooru, Akaashi Keiji & Oikawa Tooru & Sugawara Koushi, Akaashi Keiji & Sugawara Koushi, Azumane Asahi & Sawamura Daichi & Sugawara Koushi, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou & Oikawa Tooru, Hanamaki Takahiro & Iwaizumi Hajime & Matsukawa Issei & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Sawamura Daichi, Kuroo Tetsurou/Shimizu Kiyoko, Oikawa Tooru & Sugawara Koushi, Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi, Sawamura Daichi & Sugawara Koushi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Semi Eita/Sugawara Koushi, shimizu kiyoko & iwaizumi hajime & akaashi keiji, sugawara koushi & kunimi akira
Series: the art of eunoia [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929361
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song recommendation: Lovely by Billie Eilish and Khalid
> 
> summary at the end to prevent spoilers

The boy made his way onto his walkway towards his house. He let himself in with his key and called out ”Tadaima!” He cringed at the silence that followed. He approached the kitchen and saw a note on the table.

𝘏𝘪 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺!  
𝘐𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺 𝘶𝘱 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦!  
𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘔𝘰𝘮

He scoffed at the note. 𝘚𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘦𝘸𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘵𝘰𝘺. 𝘚𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘥. 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘶𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘨𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘨𝘶𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘶𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘬. He ended his inner monologue and connected his playlist to his speaker. He was alone but he didn’t have to spend his night in silence. The song was Lovely by Billie Eilish. He laughed at the irony.

He flung himself onto the couch and debated whether he should call his best friends. 𝘮𝘩𝘩 𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘯 𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵? He groaned and flung his phone away from him. It landed on a soft blue recliner. He thought about all the times he cuddled with his best friend to boyfriend to ex back to best friend on that recliner. He smiled at the thought of how they would argue who would sit on who.

All of a sudden, he felt a cough coming. It had been happening often enough that he wouldn't be able to breath for a couple of minutes.

He managed to calm his coughing fit but then noticed he felt empty. Dull. He slapped his hand across his chest and noticed a hollow sound. He began to panic. This has happened to him before, before he had to be emitted to the hospital for asthma.

𝘈𝘮 𝘪 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦? 𝘞-𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘪 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨? 𝘐-𝘪 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵.

It can't happen again. He frantically began to press his fingers into his neck. His hands shook as if they were about to fly away.

He couldn’t hear his heartbeat over the sound of bounding blood coming from his ears. He couldn’t feel anything. His throat felt dry and he tried to cough. He couldn’t. He felt hollow as if something was eating him inside and leaving him an empty shell. He felt as if his life was being eaten away.

He began to pound his fists into his chest.

𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵. 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘮 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦.

He had to escape. He couldn’t stay there and had to find a way to leave. He felt something on his hands and lifted them to reach his face. They were shaking so hard that he thought they looked like leaves. He noticed what he felt were tears.

𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴. 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨

He tried to stand up but fell down. His feet were also shaking. He tried to stand and failed again. He had to get away from the room. His vision kept disfiguring.

He felt as if he was falling even if he wasn’t standing.

𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦. 𝘓𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.

When he tried to get up this time he managed to grab the recliner before he fell. But as he grabbed it he got flashbacks of his best friend and the insecurities that ruined his life. Frightened, he let go and stumbled into the hallway, dropping a picture frame.

In the photo, there was the boy, and an older man was standing behind him with his hand on the boy’s shoulder. Upon closer inspection you can see the fear in the edge of his eyes. You could see lust in his “father’s” eyes. If you looked even closer yet you could see the bruises that makeup barely hid on the younger boy.

𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵. 𝘕𝘰𝘸. 𝘏𝘦'𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘉-𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦... 𝘏𝘌 𝘐𝘚. 𝘏𝘌 𝘞𝘐𝘓𝘓 𝘈𝘓𝘞𝘈𝘠𝘚 𝘉𝘌 𝘏𝘌𝘙𝘌. 𝘎𝘌𝘛 𝘖𝘜𝘛. 𝘙𝘜𝘕.

He let out an anguished cry and with fear fueling him, he ran up the flight of stairs towards his bathroom.

He threw himself against the door and landed on the cold marble floor. He flung himself to the cabinet and began throwing stuff out.

𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵. 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦.

He found what he was looking for- razors. He didn’t have the patience to roll up his sleeve so he just took off his shirt. He looked down at his chest, noticing his muscles. He thought about how his dad would grab his waist to be able to get inside him better, faster, and harder. He still had the scars from the time he was alive, both emotionally and physically.

He grabbed a razor out of the new pack, cutting his finger tips while doing it. He held up his hands and saw the bright red blood make its way down his hands and towards his arms. His pupils dilated when he saw the blood but realized he didn’t feel anything.

𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘦𝘵. 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦.

With his hand holding the razor, he extended his arm and made a long cut along one of his veins. He looked longingly at the blood that was oozing out.

𝘈𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦. 𝘜𝘯𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘴. 𝘐𝘮 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘐𝘮 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵. 𝘏𝘦𝘤𝘬, 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘌𝘴𝘛𝘧𝘙𝘪𝘌𝘯𝘋𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘜𝘴𝘠 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘖𝘵𝘏𝘦𝘙 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮.

Angry with his selfish thoughts, he began cutting more frantically. He took pleasure in watching the blood make a puddle on the floor. He didn’t realize he was crying until he saw a tear fall and mix with the blood. “w-wh-why can’t I feel anything? I need to feel something! Why can’t I FEEL ANYTHING?!?!” he yelled into the empty room. The only response he got was an echo.

“Why? Why can’t I feel anything?” He sobbed and curled into a fetal position. “Why?” With that question in his mind he tried to stand to clean up the mess.

He looked into the mirror and saw his reflection stare back at him. Without thinking, he used his pointer finger and dragged it through his arm. With blood now on his finger, he wrote what he thought when he looked into the mirror.

𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘧𝘢𝘨. 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥. 𝘶𝘨𝘭𝘺. 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦. 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥. 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘺. 𝘴𝘦𝘹 𝘵𝘰𝘺. 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘨𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵.

  
His voice slowly shifted into his mother’s. He scoffed. “Of course it’s her voice. She’s the one who tells me these things.” His voice broke, but he felt the urge to continue talking. “Why can’t she love me like other moms? Why can’t she see that I’m broken because of her?”

He looked down, and saw his clothes were stained with his blood. He let out a choked laugh. “I can do whatever I want and she won’t notice. I can’t even feel pain anymore...” He looked back up, and smiled sadly at his reflection.

He broke down and began to sob uncontrollably. “Why me?” With that he collapsed and hit his head, fainting due to the concussion and loss of blood. He fell into his own pool of blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> summary: an unknown boy gets a panic attack and to get rid of his intrusive thoughts he leans on self-harm to forget.
> 
> ehehe~~ it gets worse


	2. please be safe

_ “Nii. Nii. Onii-san!” _

The boy sluggishly opened his eyes. A body above him slumped over in relief,

“Oh good. I thought you were actually gone this time.”

The boy tried to sit up, but his younger brother pushed him back down, 

“You can't get up now. Your head’ll feel funny. Stay here while I'll clean you up.”

He nodded gratefully, and the younger of the two proceeded to wrap the bandages around the already disinfected arms. 

The boy hissed, yanking his arm back when the cloth tightened around his cuts.

His younger brother shrugged, not feeling any sympathy,    
  


“Gomen, but we wouldn't have to go through this if you just  _ stopped _ cutting.”

As soon as the words were out, he regretted it. The older boy narrowed his eyes, 

“If it were that easy,  _ Kunimi,  _ don't you think I would have stopped a long time ago?”

The younger brother, Kunimi, winced at how sharp the boy’s words were. Instead of responding, he busied himself with wrapping the bandages around his older brother’s long limbs.

“I’m sorry, Kou-nii. I didn't mean it that way,” came the whispered apology.

The older brother, Kou, smiled tightly, 

“Yeah, I know, Ki. I know what you meant.” 

Kunimi nodded; he continued cleaning up his older brother’s body, not even fazed by the sight of blood anymore.

“Oh, while you were… you know,  _ passed out _ , Mi-nee texted you.”

The boy nodded and motioned towards his phone, “Oh, what did she say?”

Kunimi knotted the bandages, then stood up, “Dunno. I didn't read the message. I just know that  _ ‘Goddess’ _ texted you.”

“Oh okay. Thank you Ki. Do you think I can sit up now?”

His younger brother nodded, extending his hand to help bring the other to his feet. 

Once Kunimi made sure that his older brother was steady, he held out a washcloth and pointed towards the mirror, 

“I would have cleaned it up, but I think you would prefer it if I didn't know what words you wrote.”

His older brother nodded gratefully, 

“Yeah, it's pretty personal.”

Kunimi nodded and started making his way out of the bathroom.

“...Akira?”

Kunimi froze, then turned around slowly. His older brother usually never called him his full name, 

“Yeah?”

“...Thank you.”

Kunimi smiled softly, then exited the room. 

The boy sighed and began scrubbing the mirror, trying not to read the words he wrote in his own blood. 

He didn't need to have another attack in under two hours. His body didn't have that type of energy. 

His phone dinged, reminding him of his pending messages.

With a sigh, he opened up his phone and checked his texts.

His eyes widened at the words.

He ran out of the restroom, abandoning his cleaning. 

Kunimi’s head popped out of his room as his older brother raced down the stairs towards his room,

“Where are you going?”

He didn't even look back, he just shoved his phone at his brother who ran after him as he searched for a hoodie to cover his bandages. 

“Read the texts.”

Kunimi fumbly opened his messaging app and was shocked.

**_from Goddess ❤️_ **

_ [keiji’s in the hospital] _

_ [we don't know what happened yet] _

_ [im omw to pick you up] _

_ [be ready] _

The phone was ripped out of Kunimi’s hands as his older brother stormed out of his room.

“Mi is going to pick me up in her car, I'll be home later.”

“You can't just go out! You _know_ you aren't supposed to get into a vehicle _without_ _me_! You haven't even taken your _medication_! You _know_ you need to take two pills after you have an attack! ” 

The boy stuck out his tongue, showing the red and green pills.

“I'm not  _ that _ reckless, Ki. Besides,  _ Mi-nee _ is already outside !”

Kunimi was about to argue, saying that  _ no _ , she is  _ not _ outside, when a honk came from the driveway.

His older brother grinned victoriously, grabbing his house keys as he ran out the house.

“Don't worry! I'll text you as soon as I know something. ‘Night, Ki!” was yelled back as the front door swung shut.

Kunimi could only sigh and watch from the window as his older brother got into the black BMW with his best friend. 

As the car exited the driveway, Kunimi trudged back up the stairs and flung himself onto his bed. 

He took out his phone and sent a simple text to his older brother.

**_to Kou-nii_ **

_ [please be safe] _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name drop! i mean, its probably not the one you wanted but its a drop nonetheless! any guesses who our lovely person is?


End file.
